How can you detect early on if a marriage is falling apart?

A troubled marriage doesn’t mean we go for divorce as the first choice. No, you certainly don’t stay in an abusive marriage, but a recent Gallup poll of 1,213 adults found that only 5% of people who divorce say that the problem was physical abuse. Adultery was mentioned by 17%, but 47% said “incompatibility” and another 10% said “arguments over money, family or children.” Also 21% of recently divorced women are living below the poverty level, so divorce is not the first answer to a troubled marriage. If yoiu are bickering, shouting, sulking, threatening (non-violently) and not yet worn out, it’s time for a new strategy.

Scott Stanley’s book Fighting for Your Marriage zeroes in on 4 danger signs he calls “escalation,” “invalidation,” “negative interpretations,” and “withdrawal and avoidance.” Stanley and his colleagues advise that you move from fighting IN your marriage to fighting FOR your marriage. Don’t see your spouse as the enemy. Stanley gives out helpful skills to knock down the 4 danger signs. Interested? Get his book or go to prepinc.com.

Or if you want something more than a book, try to find a nearby couple whose marriage you admire and spend time with them once in awhile. They may not be part of your family. At most, it may cost you a well-cooked meal. Ask the couple how they met, what have been some high spots, a few tough times in their marriage and then how did they get through those. Did their faith help? Other friends? Seeing a counselor? More than one of these?

And finally, or first, talk to your pastor or religious leader about getting a program going like PREP or Marriage Savers. By the way, the best ongoing marriage equipping ministries are being run by lay people (not clergy or professional counselors!) in churches and home groups, using training, videos or other prepared material already available.

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Author: Tom Tyndall
Category: Marriage
Published: 02.26.09